Special Thanks to Boris Mihaylov Photography
Yes, guys, perfection is unreal. UN – RE -AL! And I’m so happy and proud to share this real story with you! Food and I: Getting over bulimia.
I don’t really know where to begin on this topic, as like all humans in the world food & I go way back. I’ll give a quick background for those of you who haven’t been reading my blog for a long time, as what I’m about to go into has and will continue to have an effect on my relationship with food. Between the year of 2016 and 2018 I was bulimic, before that, in 2015 dipping into anorexia. Actually close to anorexia… This isn’t something I’m ashamed of and I don’t have an issue discussing it, as I feel that I’ve come so far since that time in my life and if anything I think others struggling with the same issues need to know that it can and it will get better. The thing is, YOU have to want it to get better! You! YOU got to focus on you, to tell to yourself:”Yes, I have a situation! I have an eating disorder!”.
When I was ill I hid it very well from everyone for years and then I think it just got too much for me. I started slipping up and people including my mom , my ex and my best friend noticed. Because I wasn’t necessarily under weight, I was quick to brush it off as a phase and tell everyone I was ok and dealing with it. As I’m typing this, I realise I’ve gone off on a tangent, as I’m supposed to be talking about my relationship with food now, but hey, this is all part of the same thing!
Anyway, during my bulimia period, especially one year ago, I got very depressed after every problem in my life, I did the most stupid things, trying to be perfect… I mean jeeeezzzz! So it’s all these little things added together that made me feel increasingly crappy about myself. I had no self worth, I shopped for new clothes like I had millions to spend, all in the hope that one day soon I’d find the perfect outfit that made me feel good again. As you can imagine, that didn’t happen. So after a loooooonnnng time of feeling awful, treating my body in an awful way, saying to myself bad word as:”You are huge!, You’re fat! You must be 49-50kg!” . And a pretty big breakdown one day infront of the mirror at home, it all finally came out to myself. That cry for help was the best thing I ever did. The recovery didn’t come quickly, there were many talks with my close friends, but in my head, I was never as ill as I thought. Just because I wasn’t extremely underweight, didn’t mean I was any less in need of help… my mind was sick, in need of therapy.
I’d go into the supermarket or a restaurant and literally stand there in a daze for about 10-15 minutes, wondering, thinking about what I should eat and then walk out with nothing. Other times my mind wouldn’t even think, I just pick up something, wolf it down and then have a cry on the train home when all I wanted was for the food to be out of my body. OUT!
Throughout all of this it was my friends words that really stuck with me and helped me to recovery I think. She send me a link for one event named: “Eating Disorders Circle”, so I send an email to the lady, Iveta, that organize it and I met her in the most safe place in my oppinion! 2 Health Hub . Actually we started the recovery sessions six months after our first meeting. These therapist chats helped me a lot! I was so bored of being sad, bored of feeling sorry for myself, bored of always being tired and feeling rubbish, so I made a promise to myself to make some changes. And I did it with the help of Iveta!
It wasn’t a quick and easy process by any means – there have been many small relapses over the past 4 months, but now so few. And I’m so happy to help other people, having an eating disorders. To influence them to be brave, to share the problem with a specialist, to tell a friend, to speak with everybody about that! I hope in some very small way, anyone reading this who has struggled or is struggling with similar issues knows that you’re not alone and things WILL get better. Sometimes all we need is a good or an old friend, boyfriend, a stranger or family member who will support us, and a new focus!
Let’s stay together:
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